A man can tell you exactly what’s wrong with his car. He can identify a faulty battery, a worn tyre, a strange vibration coming from the engine, or the faintest hint that something is not quite right.
Ask the same man how he is doing, and there is a good chance he will give a one-word answer.
“Fine.”
It is one of the most common words in the male vocabulary, but also one of the least reliable.
June is Men’s Health Awareness Month. It falls in the same month as Father’s Day, which feels appropriate. The two subjects are more closely connected than we sometimes realise.
For all the attention given to men’s physical health, there is another issue hiding in plain sight. Many men are struggling, and very few are talking about it. They have spent years learning not to say it.
Most boys receive the lesson early.
Be strong.
Don’t cry.
Handle it.
Get on with it.
The advice is rarely given with bad intentions. Often, it comes from parents and grandparents who genuinely want children to succeed in a difficult world.
Yet every lesson has consequences.
Many men grow into adults who can discuss politics, football, cricket, elections, business and world affairs with great confidence, but find it surprisingly difficult to admit they are worried, exhausted, lonely or afraid.
The result is that emotional pain often goes underground. Sometimes it reappears as anger, withdrawal, alcohol, endless work, and silence.
I have often been struck by how differently men and women describe illness. Women frequently tell stories. Men deliver bullet points.
“Chest pain.”
“Tired.”
“Not sleeping.”
Further questioning often reveals that a job has been lost, a marriage is under strain, a parent has died, or financial pressures are mounting.
There is a particular kind of loneliness that affects many men.
It is not the loneliness of being physically alone. It is the loneliness of feeling that nobody knows what burden you are carrying.
The father trying to provide for his family while wondering how the bills will be paid.
The businessman whose identity is tied entirely to his work.
The retired gentleman who no longer has a reason to wake up at six o’clock every morning.
The widower learning how to live in a house that suddenly feels too quiet.
The young man scrolling through social media, convinced that everybody else has life figured out.
Depression in men does not always look the way people expect. It is not necessarily constant sadness or tears. Sometimes it appears as irritability, anger, emotional withdrawal, excessive work, alcohol misuse, or a growing loss of interest in things that once brought pleasure.
Anxiety can be equally deceptive. A man may describe stress, poor sleep, headaches, chest tightness, palpitations, or constant worry without ever using the word “anxiety”. He may convince himself that he is simply tired, busy or under pressure.
Before we discuss resilience, we should acknowledge that many men are trying to function on far too little sleep. Fatigue magnifies stress, worsens anxiety, increases irritability and erodes mental wellbeing.
Many wait months or years before discussing symptoms of depression or anxiety. Some never do. By the time they finally speak, relationships may have deteriorated, sleep may have disappeared, alcohol intake may have increased, and work performance may have suffered.
The tragedy is that many of these conditions are treatable.
Depression is not a character flaw and anxiety is not a moral failing. They are health conditions, and like hypertension or diabetes, they deserve recognition and treatment.
Perhaps the most sobering reality is that suicide remains one of the leading causes of death among men in many countries. Behind every statistic is a son, husband, father, brother or friend whose suffering became unbearable.
Men’s Health Month is often associated with blood pressure checks, diabetes screening and prostate awareness. Health is more than numbers.
A healthy blood pressure is important. A meaningful friendship is important too. Good cholesterol matters. Having someone you can call when life falls apart matters as well.
Perhaps the greatest misconception about strength is that it means carrying everything alone. It does not. The strongest men I know are not those who never struggle. They are the ones who know when to ask for help. They understand that resilience is not pretending to be invulnerable.
Some men prepare financially for retirement but not psychologically. Work provided routine, identity, structure and social connection. When it disappears, the days become unexpectedly long.
One of the hidden tragedies of male ageing is not retirement or illness. It is the gradual disappearance of friendship. Many men wake up in their fifties and sixties surrounded by people yet lacking a single person with whom they can speak honestly.
Long before psychologists spoke about social connection, churches, temples, mosques and community groups were creating exactly that. They provided belonging, purpose, friendship and support. In an increasingly isolated world, those connections may be more important than ever.
The best gift we can give many of them is not another tie, mug or barbecue tool. Behind many of the men we admire are stories we have never heard, battles we have never seen and burdens they were never taught to share.
Perhaps Men’s Health Month should encourage a different question:
“How are you really doing?”
And then remain quiet long enough to hear the answer.
