Long-term emo­tion­al re­spons­es to sex­u­al abuse or in­frac­tions in child­hood are com­mon­ly record­ed as de­pres­sion, anx­i­ety, and anger. Very of­ten, we do not recog­nise or ac­knowl­edge that these is­sues/di­ag­noses may be re­lat­ed to child­hood mo­lesta­tions and ear­ly-life sex­u­al abuse. Too of­ten, we treat that is­sue with a lev­el of shame and guilt that pre­vents both pa­tient and pro­fes­sion­al from mean­ing­ful­ly re­fer­ring to that part of one’s his­to­ry.

Sex and things sex­u­al are taboo in every cul­ture, age group, fam­i­ly or friend cir­cle, but if we learn to self-ad­vo­cate and to pro­vide safe­ty in re­port­ing we would be able to con­firm what we know: that in­cest is far more preva­lent than peo­ple be­lieve; that sex­u­al ex­po­sure is high­er than we pre­tend it is, and that sex­u­al abuse may ac­count for many of the so­cial “leak­ages” we can­not plug or stymy.

I am al­ways cer­tain to have at least one per­son come to me af­ter a lec­ture or pre­sen­ta­tion to qui­et­ly de­posit their abuse with me be­fore I ex­it the hall. De­spite this, I am acute­ly aware that most peo­ple would rather se­cret the abuse, pre­tend­ing a sense of re­spectabil­i­ty, car­ry­ing a pos­ture of aloof­ness. But trau­ma seeps out.

The body keeps an ac­cu­rate record of trau­ma lodged in the mind, nerves and sinew, im­pact­ing our re­la­tion­ship with our­selves and all oth­er re­la­tion­ships. Trau­ma be­trays us even when we wish to pre­tend we have it al­to­geth­er.

Main­ly in my coach­ing/coun­selling ex­pe­ri­ence, I wit­ness how trau­ma presents in every­day liv­ing as a lack of emo­tion­al reg­u­la­tion and un­ex­plained trig­gers. But the im­pact on trust, in­ti­ma­cy and com­mu­ni­ca­tion is a ma­jor sig­ni­fi­er of the in­jury and pain of sex­u­al trau­ma.

And some­times we are very bi­ased in our think­ing about this is­sue. Some­how, we think of it as a women and girls’ is­sue and even as I am writ­ing, I am ex­pe­ri­enc­ing my own bi­as­es. Most­ly women come up to me to speak of in­frac­tions, but on so many oc­ca­sions, our boys and young men are vic­tims of sex­u­al abuse. And sad­ly, they are of­fered few­er op­por­tu­ni­ties to be open.

Men car­ry the very same trau­mas as women do from ear­ly-life sex­u­al abuse. Men ex­pe­ri­ence hy­per­vig­i­lance, anx­i­ety, numb­ness, and ex­haus­tion/fa­tigue just as women who suf­fered the same fate do. And this trau­ma im­pacts phys­i­cal health too. Like women, men al­so suf­fer the dys­func­tion­al­i­ty of be­hav­iour and in re­la­tion­ships, such as avoid­ance, peo­ple-pleas­ing, per­fec­tion­ism, anger, and ad­dic­tion. Sex­u­al trau­ma dam­ages peo­ple’s abil­i­ty to cope.

The World Health Or­ga­ni­za­tion (WHO) de­fines child sex­u­al abuse as the in­volve­ment of a child in sex­u­al ac­tiv­i­ties they do not ful­ly com­pre­hend, can­not give in­formed con­sent to, or for which they are de­vel­op­men­tal­ly un­ready. It en­com­pass­es both con­tact and non-con­tact forms of ex­ploita­tion by adults or old­er peers in po­si­tions of pow­er.

We of­ten think of sex­u­al abuse as pen­e­tra­tion, but sex­u­al touch­ing, and non-con­tact sex­u­al acts, such as voyeurism and ex­po­sure, are al­so sex­u­al ex­po­sures that cause life­long in­jury.

Gen­er­al­ly, abusers use their po­si­tion of pow­er or au­thor­i­ty to sat­is­fy their own needs at the ex­pense of mi­nors. The WHO iden­ti­fies sev­er­al spe­cif­ic cat­e­gories of child sex­u­al abuse, in­clud­ing non-con­tact abuse per­pe­trat­ed on the child (by par­ent, guardian, care­giv­er, teacher, coach, peers, et al).

• Non-con­sen­su­al in­volve­ment refers to any sex­u­al ac­tiv­i­ty where the child can­not pro­vide in­formed con­sent due to their age, de­vel­op­men­tal stage, or cog­ni­tive abil­i­ty.

• Pow­er im­bal­ances are acts per­pe­trat­ed by adults or oth­er chil­dren who hold re­spon­si­bil­i­ty, trust, or au­thor­i­ty over the child.

• Con­tact of­fences are those of un­want­ed touch­ing, fondling, or pen­e­tra­tive sex­u­al acts.

• Non-con­tact of­fences in­clude ex­po­sure to pornog­ra­phy, forc­ing a child to wit­ness sex­u­al acts, ex­pos­ing gen­i­tals, and on­line or of­fline groom­ing.

Every in­stal­ment in this se­ries seeks to ex­plore what lies be­neath much of the con­duct we wit­ness in our so­ci­ety. If hav­ing this con­ver­sa­tion can help us hold a mir­ror up to our­selves and to what per­tains with­in our homes, fam­i­ly, street, vil­lage, and com­mu­ni­ty, we may be able to be open about the trau­ma and in­vite the heal­ing.

Re­cent­ly, I was lis­ten­ing to Amer­i­can ac­tress and ac­tivist Gabrielle Union speak about her trau­ma. Hers was fo­cused on the heal­ing. This is what she said in an In­sta­gram post that ac­com­pa­nied an in­ter­view on the sub­ject.

Union said, “This year, I’m shar­ing some­thing I’ve nev­er been able to say be­fore: I’m heal­ing. For re­al.”

She wrote, “I lived with (Post-Trau­mat­ic Stress Dis­or­der) for 34 years af­ter be­ing sex­u­al­ly as­sault­ed at 19. I did every­thing I was sup­posed to do (all the ther­a­py, year af­ter year) and re­cov­ery still felt out of reach. What I didn’t know (and what most peo­ple don’t know) is that there’s a treat­ment de­signed specif­i­cal­ly for trau­ma. It took me 34 years to find it. I wouldn’t wish 34 years of suf­fer­ing on any­one (@gabunion).”

Heal­ing is a jour­ney which be­gins with ac­knowl­edg­ing the crime against you; recog­nis­ing the guilt and shame you feel is bad con­di­tion­ing be­cause those two im­pos­tors are the sole re­spon­si­bil­i­ty of the per­son who vi­o­lat­ed you. But heal­ing is pos­si­ble.